No Way To Live (The Chronic Illness Handbook)

And so we start again, in time, in space and feature out in a new maze. The depression sinks and weaves its way. Setting the music to match the way things are. But even if it were out of misery, there's nothing like what goes before. Even if we dance the dance and dream of better days, I'd be too weary to wave back. I'd be too weary to even focus on anything.

I find it exhausting in all honesty. I don't have the strength to maintain friendships and conversations. Just all too awkward and draining of my time and energy. A vastly depleted source of life. It's to my benefit that I still manage some on the right day. I wish there was a way out that was painless to everyone but to be a slave to commitments is all that I have left.

The source of pain lingers in all places. Transmitting itself wherever it goes. Autoimmunity has been compromised and takes it up another level. And what do you have left? I have nothing at all! So speaks the guy with all the ailments. Might not be that way but it gets very close. One step closer in painfully slow fashion. Knee braces help tremendously when they're not covered in sweat.

What sort of life do I live? What sort of life did I want? I could breathe with the anxiety of a hyperactive ghost, but I'm only working at a snail's pace. And that's no way to live.

What Was I Talking About Again?

The fog folds over me with a pressure of intentions. Cascading through reigns and making life pain of forgetfulness. The vibrations of modern life, the vicissitudes of venting spleen. All the blank heart, blank mind stares as we come crawling over the hill in blood and dungeon - a secret letter to our oncoming demise.

The mist lingers like any good soul and steals information without so much of a fuss. Rolling in bent double on the lawns, too many people have been forgotten in a sieve-like memory. I look forward to seeing how we debate our lives with the only thing that can come good to certain practitioners - the onset of damn lies!

Wherever you feel is the best way to go, whichever you feel should be the way to common decency, we'll fall into line grouchily to see whose lamb you slaughtered. We're not the same onlookers we were yesterday. We'll have a different opinion to suit our needs. And when the time comes, I'll tell you "What was I talking about again?"