Elicit dreams of guilt. A sense of something that runs on compassionate grounds. Ideals and thoughts along the faultlines of the decency of humanity. We seek, we dream a new religion but nothing washes away the stain of that feeling. The panicked feeling of being ignored. Muted out and drowned for good reason. The fight's not there and never will be. You can have it all if you turn away right now.
I wanted some company as misery only to make jokes and feel less alone. The feelings of idiocy linger long after the thoughts have subsided and accepted the unity of pain and go it alone. Moving to secrecy and leaving no one but themselves. The static burst and the dreams retreat. Live in grey solitude. The harmless wonder. You never wonder why your friendships are ruined and whether it has something to do with you. You shouldn't live your whole life feeling you've been put upon by the world.
After all you were so self-contained as a child, it's no wonder you were made to feel that something was wrong with you. Maybe there is but it's too late to care now you're closing in on traditional middle-age. These days only the cat's scrapes across your hands make you feel alive. Better to accept reality that you're more than half dead.
Broken and wounded, people aren't for you and you are certainly a joke to them. 10 years have gone by since it crippled you, no use in crying over proverbial spilt milk. Layers go by and the diagnosis will be come soon.
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