Skip to main content

Aggression Wounds

Can I escape? The chances are low but the impact is high. I feel drained and this is torture. I'd like to reclaim some culture. This mess I'm in is going nowhere. And I care too much that I know I'm leading myself to self preservation. It's just another way for me to look in and around - a sort of window shopping for the soul. It's what you do to get by that counts.

Can I disappear? I'll eulogise the moment that I'm no longer in the way. It's such a negative way to go. Agony aunts being the perfect outpoint for when I've got guts to spill. It's not for nothing that I'm kept waiting. Taking the train that never returns. The emptiness inside me hits harder every time. Don't start thinking you'll be a saviour. It's just the start of something else that'll work with me.

Overgrown kids decide what happens next. The aggressive intent in everybody frightens me. Everyone is a surveillance analyst in their specialised positions. The aggressive intent in me also frightens me when pushed. There's death by a thousand cuts, bringing back the despair of old. Leave me where I am, I'll find the energy in good time whenever that might be. I learn to love the illusion of how healthy I thought I was. The reality is I was lying to myself.

Time went quickly, the youthful 20s become the craggy 40s. Everyone's older, everything is buried under the rubble of time. It would be nice to feel somewhat more human. The more I track myself, the more I become disenchanted with the whole business. I feel like a shadow of my former self. No confidence at all after all that has happened. It feels like my life flickered out and forgot to tell me that the party's over and it's time to go home.

Transitions of time. Transitions of space. We must retreat. We must retreat. We must retreat even if it is too late. The aggression wounds that never heal. Just seal the deal and tell me I'm done!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The One Who Gets In The Way

It seems blackly comical that I persist in loving you even after the time has long since past. You misreading situations from the past like time immemorial. You wanted to be queen, you wanted to have the same feeling that destroyed me as a teenager. Petty jealousies run rife with you. Now you've got someone who has the same petty jealousies you once had. I'm just the enemy who gets in the way. The feelings I believed in but was always too muted for your liking - too timid, no grandstanding acts of love and devotion. You pinpoint the negatives without looking at the reasons why. And if you did you'd twist them to suit your agenda. But then again, this time isn't your fault. You got ambushed when your guard was low and I would've worn you out with my medical provisions. It just hurts when I'm the one who gets in the way. My bitterness has always been a part of me. I've said we'll still be friends but I sometimes wonder if that's the right decision. The...
Post a Comment
Read more

Cold And Cruel

  In the moment that the word was said, twist the knife in me. The fact she's not around makes it that much harder. You've moved on from me and to her dying day liked me for who I am. She went to the ends of town to get the right food that keeps me somewhat healthy. I couldn't repay her enough with my gratitude. I'll miss her. I'll miss you. What you saw as hatred was merely fury and frustration at your stubborn refusal. Goading and belittling a genuine interest in things you didn't see as a problem. You never did, the sounds of "see how good I am, see how I'm helping you" just felt like a self-knowing Mother Theresa mocking me even if it seemed genuinely good intentioned. I wish things turned out differently and my anger never showed. You'd still complain about things I never do to you and bring up old complaints again because you just want to lash out. You'd cut me to pieces and expect me to run like a big old dumb machine. But a moment o...
Post a Comment
Read more

Even If You Push First...

The morning raids my feelings. And we're left behind at the beginning. Did it ever matter that you ransacked me? That we occasionally still share a flat from time to time. I play getting by. But the loss is hitting me in ways I couldn't foresee. If you felt happy at being the one who brought me out of my shell, watch now and see me retreat into my lowly shell. I know who you see and I'm in an exercise group being the token bloke. The fascination stops there given I'm at the midway point among all else. I kept pushing and pushing but my body has given out. It's nice of you to say you feel guilty but it doesn't do much for me. I still live with the pain. There's not a whole lot from which I can gain. If I could retreat further, if I could all but disappear, maybe I could feel something again. Both of us will move out, another chapter in our lives gone. You just had to needle your way and blame past history on me. You never took account of your actions until yo...
Post a Comment
Read more