Cold And Cruel

 In the moment that the word was said, twist the knife in me. The fact she's not around makes it that much harder. You've moved on from me and to her dying day liked me for who I am. She went to the ends of town to get the right food that keeps me somewhat healthy. I couldn't repay her enough with my gratitude. I'll miss her. I'll miss you.

What you saw as hatred was merely fury and frustration at your stubborn refusal. Goading and belittling a genuine interest in things you didn't see as a problem. You never did, the sounds of "see how good I am, see how I'm helping you" just felt like a self-knowing Mother Theresa mocking me even if it seemed genuinely good intentioned.

I wish things turned out differently and my anger never showed. You'd still complain about things I never do to you and bring up old complaints again because you just want to lash out. You'd cut me to pieces and expect me to run like a big old dumb machine. But a moment of opportunism led you away, gave you a different feeling than playing nurse after work.

In the end, I am and have always been a hermitically sealed person and, despite what you say, you're a social animal. I was never really the person to satisfy you. My timidity going against your desire for grand, sweeping affection. Even now it cuts deep inside like every cliché you've read or heard sung. What can I say? You know when to strike a low blow.

She accepted that whatever went wrong with us has been final but she never got to grips with his name. She asked for medical advice. I felt close to her even if language was shaky, it didn't matter. I was happy to be with you, I was happy to share my life with you. And like all men, whatever went in the past would be in the past. Something you only mastered when verbally ripping me to shreds when saying I was the reason of all your misery. You might have apologised but the words still sting. 

If everything could turn back, things would've played out the same. What does love really mean anymore? You want to play on a man's jealousy and cast me as the enemy and I'm the one who has to listen to your conversations over the phone. It's hard to take seriously you telling me not to put myself down when you've done a pretty good job of it yourself. You'd rape a man in his sleep and tell him all this just as casually as you'll forget about it and still blame me for all of it. Some feminist you are!

I work now to get a place away from you and try to earn extra despite my handicap. It's just not as good as his golf swing but you already know that. I better stop while I'm ahead. I can't compete on a comfortable middle class life. All this though when I was coming off the back of an anxiety attack. There's cold and then there's cruel. Find out which one you belong!