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The Source of Your Misery

 I am the source for your misery. The pathways of resentment slowly rising over when I lashed out. In a way I knew I was slowly being edged out of the equation. My frustrations built up and I had nowhere else to place them. But now we've made our peace. Brokered a deal which suits you best even if it pains me greatly that it came to this.

I'm not the one for grand sweeping statements or sentiments. You've often criticised me for not doing things you want me to. I cannot physically make it happen and when it does, inwardly I'm given hell for it. Considerations must go both ways.

The more you criticised, the more I felt I wasn't good enough. I guess you were hoping for the opposite effect. I am the source for your misery. The pain being involuntary. The more times the same bad memories brought up to shame had their desired effect. Words twisted beyond lives can mask. And all I ask is forgiveness.

I live with a haunted past, things that I want to bury but come back to life. The symptoms were shown to you on full display, you can see why I'm so brittle that the timidity shines through. The "best years" of your life tending to a broken man. Insulted, you insult him. I've made you sullen and insolent to all the bad memories you remember or misremember. But that's what happens in the consequence of time.

In the end what defines our sense of death is love and which type. The pain that paves the way for everything else. I'd rather play make-believe and settle for company than trying to play something that's uncomfortable for a number of reasons even if I'd like to be in that position. When the body disintegrates, you can't take the things you used to for granted. You always wanted more out of a severely asthmatic boy. I don't know if that was a sign of things to come.

I am the source of your misery. I take all the shame that I've caused. I'm only here to recover, you recount your humiliations - I'm sorry it got to a stage like this when I still love you and care for you deeply. I always knew I was going to fail at some point. I always hid the pain you caused me because there was always the feeling the more I try to voice them, the harder you would re-inforce the humilation I caused you. I don't want that to pass. I just want us to be happy.

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