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To Have (Lost In The Derailment)

My agitated state. The sadness beckons me. Depleted resources. Depleted existence. In my lifetime, a shadow mirrors me. I might've seen a new life but with a renewed vigour. A vigour that eludes me. Perhaps I could've felt young again.

Towards the end game. A bombardment of thought. What was echoed has been lost in the derailment of the noise of children screaming outside the window. It was always built this way, you see. I could be deranged and forgetful but I have my view.

Every fevered thought. Comes back again. To hold me responsible for things I've long forgotten. And things that you invented. I believe it's common courtesy to acquiesce as long as the other reciprocates. Lines we've rehearsed a thousand times with every other actor who has lived.

What only could've been. To have lived, to have loved. To have died in someone else's arms. To have been a cipher for another person's life. It's all dust in the ether now. We remember and we remember well.

It's like I don't give up. Straining to be civil in our slow, mutual destruction. I just don't understand how you could bounce between one to the other. I'd need time. I'd need time. If only to reorganise my mind. Could she short circuit it?

The void escapes no-one. And I wish for something that'll never happen. It doesn't matter anymore. Nothing matters. That's why we wish for something new. That's why we wish for someone new. Damage me from the inside, the papers'll say.

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